he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
