i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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