i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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