I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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