She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
