my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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