I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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