You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
