I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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