My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
