He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
