spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
