Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
