Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
