we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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