I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
