I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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