Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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