shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
