You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I supernannyed him into submission
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
