i already hear my dad disowning me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
