You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
