I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
