she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
