fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
