She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
