Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
