his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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