im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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