What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
