I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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