I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
