So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
