So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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