you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
