just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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