my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
