Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
