Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
