I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
