I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Randomize
