i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
