I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
