i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
