the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
