She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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