You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
