She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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