Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
