I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
