It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
